Welcome to Hell
by orangerachel
Summary: When Wendy dies, Damien has to give her a tour around Hell. She soon finds out that Hell is nothing like the media portrays it. DamienxWendy Oneshot


**Disclaimer- neither of us (Rachel or Maggie) own Hot Topic, Disney Land, any of the various celebrities/historical figures mentioned, or generic fast food restaurants. Oh, or South Park. Can't forget those guys.**

**Oh God, I don't even want to know how many people ran away after reading that…**

~.~

'Well, this certainly isn't where I thought I'd be at the end of the day', Wendy thought to herself as she walked down the barren wasteland known as Hell. Of course, she didn't know that at the moment. It was then that her old friend, Kenny McCormick, walked up to her.

"Hey, Wends!" Kenny greeted.

"Hey, Kenny."

"No hard feelings about what happened, right?"

" Umm…what do you mean?"

"Well, I hate to break this to you but…you're in Hell right now."

"WHAT? I'm dead?" Wendy exclaimed.

"Yeah. Remember the car accident?"

She was about to protest, but then she remembered what happened when she and Bebe were at the mall that afternoon.

Kenny had walked up to them shortly before a van had driven through the glass wall. Then, her memory got really foggy. She did, however, remember the van hitting her and Kenny before she blacked out.

"Wait…we're both dead! Why aren't you freaking out?"

Kenny shrugged. "Meh, I die all the time and just come back to life. It used to bug me, but after a while, you kind of get used to it."

"Well, it's nice to know that you can come and go from this _lovely _place as you please," Wendy said sarcastically, "but some of us can't!"

Kenny rolled his eyes. "Well_ sorry_! If I knew that you were going to bitch at me, I would have gotten Damien to explain this to you first."

Wendy gave him an odd look. "What? Why is Damien here? Did he die?"

Kenny face palmed "Because he's the spawn of Satan!"

"Really?

"_Yes_!"

"Why doesn't anybody tell me this stuff?"

"We _do _tell you, but no one ever listens!"

Wendy rolled her eyes. "Whatever…"

Kenny threw his arms up. "You know what? I will get Damien to explain things to you!" he looked around him. "DAMIEN! I know you're here somewhere!" he shouted to no one in particular.

Damien burst in seemingly from nowhere with flames curling around him.

"Hey Kenny." Damien greeted.

"Hi Damien."

"So…one of your friends finally perished, eh?"

"Oh my God! Why was he on fire! Why isn't he on fire anymore! I want to get out of here! HELP!" Wendy panicked.

"Just listen to him and you'll be fine. I gotta go now. See you Wends!" Kenny said before disappearing.

"Hmm…Kenny said that if this was to happen to one of his friends, I was to take _good _care of them." Damien smirked.

"W-Wait, why am I down here? When do I get out? Why can't I go to Heaven? I'm a good person!" Wendy babbled.

Damien, sick of her rambling, motionlessly and wordlessly tied up her arms, legs, and mouth so she could neither move nor speak.

"Now, no more questions until the end of my presentation, ok?" Damien said while smiling.

Wendy glared and tried to break free of her bonds, but they were too tight.

" So. You're in Hell now. That's because, one, you're a bitch," Damien sincerely looked at her, "You can't go to Heaven if you're a bitch, and two, only Mormons can go to Heaven. Any questions so far?"

"Mph, mph mph?"

"What was that? Oh, yeah you're still tied up. Well, I don't feel like untying you because then I'll just have to tie you up again, and I really don't feel like going through all of the effort again."

If looks could kill, the Son of Satan would be a quivering mass of ashes.

"You agree with me, good! You should now understand that because you are in Hell, you will be tortured for eternity, but it is not nearly as bad as the media portrays it. In fact, the worst part is probably the long lines." He explains. "However, you'll probably be able to meet your idles down here, considering the population of Heaven is dwindling. God has just been really picky lately. Well, I think that's about all I can say to you. Want a tour?"

~.~

"Why is it so hot down here? Why are there so many people? Why is this place so overpopulated? Why are you wearing jewelry that looks like it's from Hot Topic?" Wendy complained.

Exasperated, Damien turned towards her. "Would you please just shut up for five minutes!"

Wendy's jaw snapped shut. She didn't want to actually anger him at the moment.

"Thank you. Now, over there is the fast food restaurant, see, long lines; and over there is the beach, again, long lines; and finally…"

"Pssh…Let me guess." Wendy asked sarcastically, "Disney Land?"

"Huh, good guess, I was just going to show you that. Of course, this place probably has the longest lines in all of Hell, but I mean, what Disney Land doesn't have long lines. Am I right?" Damien joked.

Wendy looked at him like he had three heads.

"What? I'm serious!"

Wendy sighed. "Ok…can we just get something to eat?"

"Yeah, sure…" he scratched the back of his head "Fast food place? I can probably get us to the front of the line."

"Uh…sure, why not?"

~.~

The line had indeed been short for Damien and Wendy. Now it was just the matter of finding a seat. Even though he had to kick Princess Diana and Joan of Arc out of their booth, they eventually found one. Unfortunately, they sat next to the bane of Damien's existence; they gang known as HOT SHEA.

"Yo, Yo, Yo! This is me and my homeboys' table!"

Wendy looked over at the large, yelling man who was wearing enormous amounts of bling. "Is that King Henry XIII of England?"

" DAMN RIGHT IT IS!" Saddam Hussein exclaimed.

Before Damien could respond, the two remaining members HOT SHEA ran to the table giggling and giving each other high fives.

"Isn't that…Alexander Hamilton and…Thomas Jefferson?" Wendy asked.

"NO! WE'RE ALEX AND T.J.!" they both yelled at the same time.

"Wait, don't those guys hate each other with a burning passion?"

"Well, they _did_ hate each other, but they kind of bonded over their mutual hatred of recent presidents… and Aaron Burr."

" YEAH! WE'RE TOTALLY GOING TO PRANK OBAMA ONCE HE GETS DOWN HERE, TOO!"

Wendy looked confused. "What do they mean, 'too'?"

Damien sighed. "They never really… forgave Burr for what happened. Between either of them… and nw they prank him, often, to say the least."

Wendy laughed. "I can't imagine they would. But how often is often."

He responded by counting down. "Three…two…one…"

From the distance, they could hear a loud fart, followed by a 'seriously guys!' Most of the room rolled their eyes while both T.J. and Alex burst out laughing.

"Zis got old over a' undered 'ears ago!" Napoleon yelled from across the room.

The table containing Billy Mayes, Michael Jackson, and Steve Irwin piped up. "We still find it funny!"

Everyone in the room stared at them.

"What?"

Damien rolled his eyes. "Let's just eat." he said while taking bite of his hamburger.

" Why don't you just light them on fire?" Wendy whispered to Damien.

"I've tried. Numerous times, but they just don't seem get the message…"

"Hey, little man, what are you whispering to your girlfriend about over there?" Elvis asked.

"Shut up, Elvis." Damien said through gritted teeth.

Hitler said something in German.

"Good point, Adolf!" T.J. exclaimed.

" What did he say?" Wendy asked T.J.

"Nothing! He didn't say anything!" Damien tried to cover up.

T.J. ignored him. "Adolf pointed out that he didn't _deny_ that she was his girlfriend."

"Ooh, you're right! He didn't deny it! Maybe she _is_ his girlfriend!" Osama Bin Laden squealed.

Everyone at the table giggled.

"You guys are all such teenage girls!" Damien said shortly before his face turned red. He then went back to eating his burger.

"Oh! Now he's embarrassed, yo!" Henry the Eighth stated.

"Why is he talking like that?" Wendy asked.

"The gangster fad really hit him hard." Damien said shortly.

Hitler started singing.

"What is he singing?" Wendy asked suspiciously.

T.J. cleared his throat and began to sing:

"Ahem…Damien and Wendy sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G! First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes Wendy with a baby carriage!"

Damien's eyes began to turn red, but Wendy quickly calmed him down before he could do anything.

"How did they know my name?"

Damien sighed. "My dad gave them all weird 'demonic' powers. He thought it would be funny…I don't want to go there."

He looked over at the other table and quickly decided that instead of using fire, he would use verbal abuse instead.

"What's up with your gang name anyway? HOT SHEA? It's just a combination of all of your first names!"

Hitler said something in German.

"Oh! Your right, Adolf!" T.J. looked over at Damien, "We used his last name."

"Pssh…like you can come up with a better name!" Alex challenged.

Damien thought for a moment. "Infernus Demonus."

The HOT SHEA's eyes grew the size of saucers. "Why didn't you think of that!" they all asked each other.

"I'm so baffled!" Elvis exclaimed.

"You may have won this time, but not the next!" Alex said before the group picked up their lunch trays and left the restaurant dramatically.

Wendy turned to Damien and slowly smiled. "You _do _like me, don't you?"

"W-What?" stuttered Damien. "No, I-I-"

"Oh, don't lie. I wasn't going to say it in front of those guys- as mush as I look up to one or two of them- but it's kind of obvious. I mean- you didn't set me on fire when I was obviously annoying you when you had the ability to. If _that's_ not love, I don't know what is." Wendy's smile grew. "Hey, don't look so down. I'm not exactly opposed to the idea."

Damien brightened. "Really?"

"Well, I _am _in Hell. Who's better to date than the guy who seems to get run of the place? Besides, You're kind of hot… no pun intended."

"So, you'll be my girlfriend?" he asked.

"Are you a teenage boy or something?… don't answer that… yes, of course." She responded.

"Awesome… and just so you know, this wasn't a spur of the moment thing. I've liked you a while from seeing you up on Earth."

"I've noticed. And don't look at me like that; I'm just observant, honest." Her seemingly permanent smirk flashed to a glare for a moment. "By the way, we're going to have a talk about that whole tying me up business later, but first…"

She leaned over that table and kissed him square on the lips.

Damien smiled.

"Anyway, can we take a road trip up to Earth? I have a little business I have to settle with a drunk driver…"

~.~

**A/N:**

**Hey guys! It's Maggie (Rachel's editor/co-writer/friend). Hope you liked the story, just wanted to clear a few things up, because they were bugging me, and we don't want any bad reviews for stupid reasons. **

**We wrote this as a funny little piece in the middle of a tornado (which is weird for our area) when we didn't feel like writing the next chapter of Quarter Quell Redux. It started out more serious than I think we expected, but we also delivered a healthy dose of ridiculousness as it went on.**

**The members of HOT SHEA are as follows- Adolf Hitler, Thomas Jefferson, Alexander Hamilton, Elvis Presley, King Henry XIII, Saddam Hussien, Osama Bin Laden. I have no idea what the connections are either, we just thought it was a possibly funny group of people, especially if we made them horribly OOC to their RL personality. We didn't mean to disrespect anyone's memory (well, we don't really care all that much about Hitler, Hussein, or Bin Laden, but the point still stands.). Also, no disrespect to Obama or any other 'recent presidents.' It's just a joke, we promise. :D**

**Before anyone else says it, I know Thomas Jefferson couldn't speak German when he was alive, but we're using willing suspension of disbelief. The guy was pretty freaking smart, and if he thought it would be useful, he'd learn it. Hitler never bothered to learn English when he was alive, so we're also using willing suspension of disbelief that he wouldn't have in the afterlife, either. Actually, most of the things in that group, just make up your own plot for how it works. It'll probably work out for you eventually, especially if you have an active imagination.**

**Rachel wanted to point out that she has yet to write a story without someone with a French accent. Make of that what you will.**

**We both kind of grew to like this pairing, which is brand new, we believe. Hope you like it, too!**

**And, yes, I do think that Alexander Hamilton and Thomas Jefferson would bond over their mutual hatred of Aaron Burr and routinely attack him with childlike pranks. Why do you ask?**

**Review?**

**Thanks for reading!**


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